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On January 8, I asked my Facebook friends to suggest titles for potential plays. Thanks to the magic of "the internet" and "links," I can write them here and share them there.
---
AAAAANTS!
Cast of Characters
Doug - A pipe fitter
Dani - An action oriented plumber
("Underground" by Tom Waits plays. Lights up on a beautiful park landscape. However, as the lights continue to brighten, we see that the landscape is near the top of the theatre's proscenium arch. What we're actually meant to be focusing on is a network of small tunnels and caverns beneath the park. DOUG and DANI start to crawl out from stage left. DANI has a tool box in front of her that she keeps moving a few feet ahead of her as she crawls. Both wear miner's helmet with lights so they can see where they're going.)
DOUG: How much farther is it?
DANI: Not much farther now.
DOUG: I like the view from here.
DANI: Keep your mind on the job, Doug.
DOUG: I just don't get to see you on your hands and knees that often.
DANI: Professionals setting, Dougie boy. Save it for after dinner.
DOUG: They'll be people around then.
DANI: Save it for sometime when we're off the clock.
DOUG: Fine.
DANI: It was a big risk for them to hire you for this job.
DOUG: I know.
DANI: They take the nepotism rules very seriously. That they picked you anyways shows how much they respect your work.
DOUG: I appreciate that...
DANI: Don't spoil it just because of this particularly fine ass in front of you.
DOUG: Now you're just being mean...
DANI: Here we are.
(They climb into a small chamber just right of center. There are a series of pipes, faucets and receptacles on every visible surface. Its big enough for them to both crouch instead of crawl and to squeeze past each other if need be.)
DOUG: Wow, this couldn't have been easy to dig out. They had to carry all that dirt back to the entrance. Not to mentioning shoring it up.
DANI: This is the pipe sequence we need to adjust. It needs a new radiation filter and we want to redirect it into the toxic processing and purification system. That's this pipe here.
(Over stage left, we here a loud scratching, buzzing noise)
DOUG: Oh God!
DANI: Calm down.
DOUG: Its an ant, isn't it?
(We hear the noise again, except louder)
DANI: Just close the hatch. It can't get through.
(DOUG closes a hatch to the access tunnel. We see an enormous, terrifying ant starts to crawl through the same tunnel DOUG and DANI just passed through)
DANI: Let's get to work. And don't listen to anything the ant says!
(They get to work. The Ant arrives at the hatch and knocks. "shave and a haircut..." After two or three times, Doug knocks back "two bits.")
DANI: Jesus Christ, Doug, why did you have to go and do that? Now he knows we're here.
DOUG: Ant or no, we can't just leave him hanging like that.
DANI: Yes we can. We totally can. Look, this should only take a few minutes. We'll exit through the secondary utility tunnel. Its a hard crawl, but its too small for ants.
ANT: Hey. Hey up there. Whose up there?
DANI: Don't answer him.
ANT: Dani? Are you up there Dani?
DOUG: He knows your name.
DANI: Yeah, rookie mistake. I got in a conversation with him the first day I was on the job. He asks for me every time.
ANT: Could I have a cigarette?
DANI: Don't answer him.
ANT: C'mon, just one.
DOUG: We could give him a cigarette.
DANI: Its a trick. Ants don't smoke.
ANT: Yes we do. I can hear you, you know. I have very good hearing.
DANI: Oh Christ. Now he think we're having a conversation. He'll be here for hours.
DOUG: He sounds nice.
DANI: He's a bore.
ANT: Look, can I just come up and hang out? I promise I won't play with myself this time.
DOUG: What?
DANI: Look, its a long story. I filed a harassment complaint and a Temporary Restraining Order.
ANT: It expired! Temporary means it expires! I'm not breaking any laws.
DOUG: He's creepier than I thought. I mean, I thought the giant ants ate humans. I didn't think they were creepers.
ANT: We do eat humans. Isn't that right Dani? Huh? Want me to eat you again?
DOUG: What the hell?
DANI: We never went past second base, asshole.
ANT: Your bases must be different from mine then.
DANI: This is verging on harassment again.
ANT: Fine, fine, don't get your panties in a bunch. Or, on second thought, do get them in a bunch and then drop them down into this tunnel. Om nom nom.
DANI: I am so writing him up for this.
DOUG: What the hell is going on?
DANI: That Ant is named Cairo. He's the one who dug out this room and all the tunnels.
DOUG: I thought Cairo was a person.
DANI: No, he's an ant. A pervert ant.
DOUG: Did you have a thing with him?
DANI: I was new on the job! It was before I met you!
DOUG: He's an ant.
DANI: A strangely attractive ant.
ANT: Damn right.
DOUG: Stay out of this.
ANT: A few years too late for that request, buddy.
DOUG: You fucked an ant?
DANI: No! We made out some and felt each other up a bit and maybe there was some fellatio involved but...
DOUG: Do ants even have dicks?
ANT: Let me up and I'll show you.
DANI: Look, he can be very persuasive. When I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, he started perving out and masturbating around the tunnels whenever I was around.
ANT: It was a tribute.
DANI: This is why they're so strict about nepotism now. They don't want to have another situation where I refuse to work with a member of the team.
ANT: I'm a more than an animal. I'm an insect, baby.
DOUG: But its over between you and him?
ANT: I'm going to mount you until you cry "Uncle." "Uncle Ant." Hey, that's pretty funny. I should write that down...
DANI: Totally over. After the way he's acting today, I can get a permanent restraining order against him.
ANT: I always wanted you to restrain me. I like it rough. I have a hard outer carapace.
(They've been working on the pipes this whole time)
DANI: Done.
DOUG: That's all?
DANI: Let's go.
(They start to crawl into the smaller auxiliary tunnels which lead stage right)
ANT: Oh? Oh, are you crawling away? How'd you like that view, dude? Ass for miles, right?
DOUG: I will be totally professional from now on.
DANI: I would appreciate that.
ANT: I haven't even told you what I can do with my thorax!
(blackout)
---
AAAAANTS!
Cast of Characters
Doug - A pipe fitter
Dani - An action oriented plumber
("Underground" by Tom Waits plays. Lights up on a beautiful park landscape. However, as the lights continue to brighten, we see that the landscape is near the top of the theatre's proscenium arch. What we're actually meant to be focusing on is a network of small tunnels and caverns beneath the park. DOUG and DANI start to crawl out from stage left. DANI has a tool box in front of her that she keeps moving a few feet ahead of her as she crawls. Both wear miner's helmet with lights so they can see where they're going.)
DOUG: How much farther is it?
DANI: Not much farther now.
DOUG: I like the view from here.
DANI: Keep your mind on the job, Doug.
DOUG: I just don't get to see you on your hands and knees that often.
DANI: Professionals setting, Dougie boy. Save it for after dinner.
DOUG: They'll be people around then.
DANI: Save it for sometime when we're off the clock.
DOUG: Fine.
DANI: It was a big risk for them to hire you for this job.
DOUG: I know.
DANI: They take the nepotism rules very seriously. That they picked you anyways shows how much they respect your work.
DOUG: I appreciate that...
DANI: Don't spoil it just because of this particularly fine ass in front of you.
DOUG: Now you're just being mean...
DANI: Here we are.
(They climb into a small chamber just right of center. There are a series of pipes, faucets and receptacles on every visible surface. Its big enough for them to both crouch instead of crawl and to squeeze past each other if need be.)
DOUG: Wow, this couldn't have been easy to dig out. They had to carry all that dirt back to the entrance. Not to mentioning shoring it up.
DANI: This is the pipe sequence we need to adjust. It needs a new radiation filter and we want to redirect it into the toxic processing and purification system. That's this pipe here.
(Over stage left, we here a loud scratching, buzzing noise)
DOUG: Oh God!
DANI: Calm down.
DOUG: Its an ant, isn't it?
(We hear the noise again, except louder)
DANI: Just close the hatch. It can't get through.
(DOUG closes a hatch to the access tunnel. We see an enormous, terrifying ant starts to crawl through the same tunnel DOUG and DANI just passed through)
DANI: Let's get to work. And don't listen to anything the ant says!
(They get to work. The Ant arrives at the hatch and knocks. "shave and a haircut..." After two or three times, Doug knocks back "two bits.")
DANI: Jesus Christ, Doug, why did you have to go and do that? Now he knows we're here.
DOUG: Ant or no, we can't just leave him hanging like that.
DANI: Yes we can. We totally can. Look, this should only take a few minutes. We'll exit through the secondary utility tunnel. Its a hard crawl, but its too small for ants.
ANT: Hey. Hey up there. Whose up there?
DANI: Don't answer him.
ANT: Dani? Are you up there Dani?
DOUG: He knows your name.
DANI: Yeah, rookie mistake. I got in a conversation with him the first day I was on the job. He asks for me every time.
ANT: Could I have a cigarette?
DANI: Don't answer him.
ANT: C'mon, just one.
DOUG: We could give him a cigarette.
DANI: Its a trick. Ants don't smoke.
ANT: Yes we do. I can hear you, you know. I have very good hearing.
DANI: Oh Christ. Now he think we're having a conversation. He'll be here for hours.
DOUG: He sounds nice.
DANI: He's a bore.
ANT: Look, can I just come up and hang out? I promise I won't play with myself this time.
DOUG: What?
DANI: Look, its a long story. I filed a harassment complaint and a Temporary Restraining Order.
ANT: It expired! Temporary means it expires! I'm not breaking any laws.
DOUG: He's creepier than I thought. I mean, I thought the giant ants ate humans. I didn't think they were creepers.
ANT: We do eat humans. Isn't that right Dani? Huh? Want me to eat you again?
DOUG: What the hell?
DANI: We never went past second base, asshole.
ANT: Your bases must be different from mine then.
DANI: This is verging on harassment again.
ANT: Fine, fine, don't get your panties in a bunch. Or, on second thought, do get them in a bunch and then drop them down into this tunnel. Om nom nom.
DANI: I am so writing him up for this.
DOUG: What the hell is going on?
DANI: That Ant is named Cairo. He's the one who dug out this room and all the tunnels.
DOUG: I thought Cairo was a person.
DANI: No, he's an ant. A pervert ant.
DOUG: Did you have a thing with him?
DANI: I was new on the job! It was before I met you!
DOUG: He's an ant.
DANI: A strangely attractive ant.
ANT: Damn right.
DOUG: Stay out of this.
ANT: A few years too late for that request, buddy.
DOUG: You fucked an ant?
DANI: No! We made out some and felt each other up a bit and maybe there was some fellatio involved but...
DOUG: Do ants even have dicks?
ANT: Let me up and I'll show you.
DANI: Look, he can be very persuasive. When I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, he started perving out and masturbating around the tunnels whenever I was around.
ANT: It was a tribute.
DANI: This is why they're so strict about nepotism now. They don't want to have another situation where I refuse to work with a member of the team.
ANT: I'm a more than an animal. I'm an insect, baby.
DOUG: But its over between you and him?
ANT: I'm going to mount you until you cry "Uncle." "Uncle Ant." Hey, that's pretty funny. I should write that down...
DANI: Totally over. After the way he's acting today, I can get a permanent restraining order against him.
ANT: I always wanted you to restrain me. I like it rough. I have a hard outer carapace.
(They've been working on the pipes this whole time)
DANI: Done.
DOUG: That's all?
DANI: Let's go.
(They start to crawl into the smaller auxiliary tunnels which lead stage right)
ANT: Oh? Oh, are you crawling away? How'd you like that view, dude? Ass for miles, right?
DOUG: I will be totally professional from now on.
DANI: I would appreciate that.
ANT: I haven't even told you what I can do with my thorax!
(blackout)
