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Titus Rectus
Mar. 5th, 2014 01:46 pmOn January 8, 2014, I solicited titles for short plays from my Facebook friends. Even though there's no evidence that anyone is reading them anymore, I am writing them. Oh yes. Oh yes I am.
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TITUS RECTUS
(Light up on a resplendent Roman temple. Every conceivable Roman god is represented in statues carved from the purest marble. Staggering huge pillars descended up past the arch into the rafters. Seriously, the theatre must have spent seven figures building this. Its imposing and amazing. They will never be able to build another set again. The lighting is just as amazing, with cracks of lights breaking through the unseen roof of the temple. Down, just left of center, is TITUS RECTUS, a square of light - as if from a window - illuminating him. His arms are stretched up to the heavens.)
TITUS: Why! Oh, gods, why?
(Suddenly, the statue of MINERVA, goddess of wisdom, comes to life. The light surrounding her is almost blinding in its beauty and fury)
MINERVA: Minerva hears you, oh Titus Rectus. Why do you call upon us?
TITUS: Its my name.
MINERVA: Titus Rectus, I do not understand. What is wrong with your name?
TITUS: I always have hated my name because it implies the anus, but I just visited an oracle who told me that future generations will hear my name and think of rough rear sex.
MINERVA: You mean butt sex?
TITUS: Yes, yes.
MINERVA: You should just say butt sex then. Be clear with your word choices.
TITUS: Yes, of course, Minerva.
MINERVA: Rough butt sex is a a beautiful thing and its part of a grand Roman tradition. Why should we not name one of our favorite sons after this glorious act? And, at any rate, this shall not come to pass for a millennium after your death. Why fret?
TITUS: Its embarrassing. How can anyone take me seriously as a soldier, a senator or a man with a name that makes them think of... of...
MINERVA: Butt sex.
TITUS: Yes that.
MINERVA: It troubles me that you have such a hard time describing this simple act of love. In the future, there will be a man named Santorum who will have a byproduct of butt sex named after him.
TITUS: Ewwww.
MINERVA: So why complain? Your name isn't even especially graphic. Well, I mean, there will be this 'Rectum? He almost killed 'em" joke, but that's a derivative of your name and not your name per se.
TITUS: Can't I be "Titus Romas?" Like I'm named after Rome?
MINERVA: No, we gods have decreed. Would you defy the gods?
TITUS: No.
MINERVA: Of course you wouldn't! You were given an insulting name and you're just going to turn around and take it. Take it again and again. And that's why it is the right name for you, symbolically speaking.
TITUS: OK.
MINERVA: Can I hear a little enthusiasm, soldier?
TITUS: Ok. Yay.
MINERVA: That was sarcastic, but close enough.
(Blackout)
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TITUS RECTUS
(Light up on a resplendent Roman temple. Every conceivable Roman god is represented in statues carved from the purest marble. Staggering huge pillars descended up past the arch into the rafters. Seriously, the theatre must have spent seven figures building this. Its imposing and amazing. They will never be able to build another set again. The lighting is just as amazing, with cracks of lights breaking through the unseen roof of the temple. Down, just left of center, is TITUS RECTUS, a square of light - as if from a window - illuminating him. His arms are stretched up to the heavens.)
TITUS: Why! Oh, gods, why?
(Suddenly, the statue of MINERVA, goddess of wisdom, comes to life. The light surrounding her is almost blinding in its beauty and fury)
MINERVA: Minerva hears you, oh Titus Rectus. Why do you call upon us?
TITUS: Its my name.
MINERVA: Titus Rectus, I do not understand. What is wrong with your name?
TITUS: I always have hated my name because it implies the anus, but I just visited an oracle who told me that future generations will hear my name and think of rough rear sex.
MINERVA: You mean butt sex?
TITUS: Yes, yes.
MINERVA: You should just say butt sex then. Be clear with your word choices.
TITUS: Yes, of course, Minerva.
MINERVA: Rough butt sex is a a beautiful thing and its part of a grand Roman tradition. Why should we not name one of our favorite sons after this glorious act? And, at any rate, this shall not come to pass for a millennium after your death. Why fret?
TITUS: Its embarrassing. How can anyone take me seriously as a soldier, a senator or a man with a name that makes them think of... of...
MINERVA: Butt sex.
TITUS: Yes that.
MINERVA: It troubles me that you have such a hard time describing this simple act of love. In the future, there will be a man named Santorum who will have a byproduct of butt sex named after him.
TITUS: Ewwww.
MINERVA: So why complain? Your name isn't even especially graphic. Well, I mean, there will be this 'Rectum? He almost killed 'em" joke, but that's a derivative of your name and not your name per se.
TITUS: Can't I be "Titus Romas?" Like I'm named after Rome?
MINERVA: No, we gods have decreed. Would you defy the gods?
TITUS: No.
MINERVA: Of course you wouldn't! You were given an insulting name and you're just going to turn around and take it. Take it again and again. And that's why it is the right name for you, symbolically speaking.
TITUS: OK.
MINERVA: Can I hear a little enthusiasm, soldier?
TITUS: Ok. Yay.
MINERVA: That was sarcastic, but close enough.
(Blackout)
